Hold them close

nappiesThis week after talking to our community health nurse I stopped the very early morning feed with my three month old.

Xavier’s weight and growth are progressing well, but with one less feed I was also advised to increase his afternoon and evening feeds to make sure he was still getting enough milk.

It’s made a world of difference to me; it’s the first time in three months I’ve been able to sleep for more than four hours, although I still wake up, turn on the torch light app on my phone and check he is ok.

One of the comforts during those late night feeds and even after a torch lit check has been reading the posts on my mother’s group face book page.

Knowing they are up bleary eyed like me, with exhausted limbs in dimmed lighting, feeding or just in a sleep deprived mesmerised state starring at their babes somehow made me feel part of some kind of privileged world.

I also found another comfort from the realisation that thousands and thousands of women across Australia were going through the same love soaked sleep battles.

My husband and I quietly celebrated this three month anniversary with a hug and were grateful we reached the milestone in good health and without too many fights, and while we shared that moment a family in another part of Australia was told their three month old had been taken from them.

Watching the news from the Melbourne Bourke Street tragedy has been more like a nightmare. http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-01-23/bourke-street-melbourne-3-month-old-victim-identified/8205856

I’ve cried quiet tears and held on to my three month old even more tightly and can barely imagine the unrecoverable heart break.

Next week I’ll hold Xavier in my arms as I take him to his first swimming lesson and Gymbaroo class, while this Mother I grieve for in Melbourne will be without her cherished treasure.

There isn’t a part of my life that isn’t filled with Xavier at the moment; when I wake up my breasts are heavy with the milk my body has been making to feed him, there are soft fabric reading books on our coffee table, teething rings in the freezer ready to go for any emerging tooth and bills and Medicare paperwork to complete, and I can’t bear to imagine any of that taken away from me.

A support fund for the families has been established, I don’t know what good money will do for them but I hope it helps.

The details are: Westpac Banking Corporation, Bourke Street Fund, BSB 033 009 and account number 668251 or via the website:www.vic.gov.au/bourkestreet.html.

I’ll pray and shed more tears for this family and their child, and hold my Xavier all that much closer.

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